Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
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Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.