[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Mood.. 😂
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???