Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
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You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
How dude HOW?!
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing