The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
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taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
File under excellent bookstore names.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Practicing safe sax
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water