billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile