The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Great acting.. 😂
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.