Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
A family that plays together cheats.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.