– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
How dude HOW?!
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Remember folks 😂
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic