I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.