My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.