me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
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Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”