MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
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Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Seems legit
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol