Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
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[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I’m tired tomorrow.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him