On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
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I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no