my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.