I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Pringles
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
damn he’s good
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Just why bro?!
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong