I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
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*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
This meal prepping shit is easy
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
“I wouldn’t.”
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns