you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it