My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
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When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
*weighs self after shaving
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.