uncle dave has been through hell
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Bros before Ohioes
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”