Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
You Might Also Like
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.