Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
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Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.