A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
was Jim off killing horses or…
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes