This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Hank is one in a melon.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.