Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
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Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Warm pools make me nervous.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.