When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.