Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
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Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Happens to everyone.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men