the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
You Might Also Like
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
But wait…..does your wife know that you鈥檙e divorced?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it 鈥渟ubstitooths”.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don鈥檛 get it.
men, we mow at sunrise.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 馃檹
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Meanwhile in Portland…
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
*ernest hemingway voice*
I waitress because if I don鈥檛 get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don鈥檛 feel like I have put in an honest days work.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.