[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.