He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
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Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
look at me when i’m typing to you
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
WWE is French for “yes”