COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
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If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”