Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
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I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.