Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
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can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I am all good here, 😂😉
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off