Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
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my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Yup
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…