Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
You Might Also Like
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
me when i see my girls butt
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.