“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.