Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
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ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.