we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
You Might Also Like
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Nice try, poison.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!