Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st