Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Life is a suicide mission.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Day 2 of my diet
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it