Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
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Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
*3.5 thank you very much.
Free him
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*