am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
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You take away its USB cable.
Holy shit he’s back
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.