Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
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The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
it must be school picture day
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces