Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
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if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Cake safety first. Always.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?