There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
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Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.