[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready