1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
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If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Story of my life…..
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.