TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
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That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
This is so me 😂😂
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ