I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
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The answer is funnier than the question
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
This is the one
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
this post was so formative to me
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
me opening up to someone
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!