ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
How wrong was this guy?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.